What orchid mantises teach us about brand imitators

In the lush tropical rainforests of Southeast Asia, the Orchid Praying Mantis has evolved to look less like a dangerous predator, and more like a beautiful flower. Its bright colors routinely fool bees and other pollinators, who, if they venture too close, are quickly put on the lunch menu.

What does this have to do with cyber security? Well, just like this amazing little trickster, fraudsters go to great lengths to imitate our brand every day via emails, calls, texts, and now more than ever, social media. Some of their go-to “social-engineering” tactics include:

- Direct messaging (DM’ing) users from fake Facebook or Twitter accounts to lure them into giving away social security numbers, account numbers and passwords

- Posing as employees on LinkedIn to collect information from real associates; some even go so far as pretending to be our CEO; bold move, guys, but psssst, he doesn’t live in Buffalo

- Using our brand name to coax people into making cash investments for supposedly huge returns, money they’ll never see again

Seeing through the disguise

As you can imagine, all this impersonation causes major headaches for a lot of innocent people and damages our reputation. Which is why we have a dedicated team of Cyber Brand Defense professionals who carefully comb the platforms to spot and shut down scams.

The goal is simple: to build trust in our brand and give users confidence. We want people to know that whenever they see our brand pop up on their feeds, that it really is us. They don’t have to worry about being swindled by a phony impostor.

Keep an eye out

Even if you aren’t a member of the Cyber Brand Defense team, we need your help to identify brand imitators on social media. If you see something fishy or get a message that seems off, email Cyber Brand Defense. Together, we can stop mantis-like masters of deception—no matter how crafty.

What is a deductible? Get the answer to one of life's most perplexing questions.

For decades, one question has boggled the minds and glazed the eyes of Americans everywhere: “What is a deductible?” Today we’ll answer this age-old query, breaking it down in a simple, everyday way—and clarifying some other related terms while we’re at it.

First, what a deductible is…and isn’t

Ironically, the best way to explain what a deductible is, is by explaining what it isn’t: namely, a premium. With health insurance, a premium is the amount that’s taken out of your paycheck each month—you may have seen it listed on your paystub under something like “Health Plan.” 

But your premium doesn’t cover all your health care costs. You still have to pay “out of pocket” (or checking account) for doctor’s visits, hospital stays and any other covered care... up to a certain amount. To be crystal clear, your insurance pays NOTHING. This extra cash you shell out on your own—IN ADDITION TO YOUR PREMIUM—is called your deductible.  

Say, for example, you signed up for an insurance plan with a $3,000 deductible. That means, in the next 12 months, you have to pay $3K of your own money (no insurance help) before you “meet” (or pay off) your deductible. 

Another way it could work: suppose you had a procedure that cost $10,000. If your deductible was $2,500, you’d pay that chunk of the bill ($2.5K) and your insurance company would pick up the remaining $7,500.

What’s an “out-of-pocket max?”

As its name implies, it’s the most you have to pay out of pocket in a “plan year” (the first 12 months after you sign up for a health plan). Once you hit that amount, your insurance company covers 100% of your out-of-pocket expenses until the next open enrollment, though, and this is important: YOU’LL STILL KEEP PAYING YOUR PREMIUM (that pesky paycheck deduction).

How do premiums and deductibles work together?

Premiums and deductibles are like two friends at recess, playing on a teeter-totter. When one goes up, the other goes down. In other words, if you choose a health care plan with a high premium, you’ll have a low deductible. Or if you pick a plan with a low premium, you’ll have a high deductible.

The reason? With a low deductible, the insurance company takes on more of the risk, so you pay a higher premium. With a high deductible, you take on more of the risk, thus you pay a lower premium.    

Should I choose a high- or low-deductible plan?

Like so many things in life, it depends. Some folks like the security that comes with a low deductible (more protection from potentially crushing out-of-pocket costs); others opt for the potential savings of a high deductible (bigger paychecks and more money in the ol’ checking account). 

Do you have a condition that requires constant care? Well, then a low-deductible might be the way to go. On the other hand, if your health is relatively robust, a high deductible could be ideal. Give it some thought, ask around and see what coverage works best for you and your family.

What’s a “copay?”

Once you’ve met your deductible, you start paying a “fixed amount” (or flat fee) at the doctor’s—instead of footing the whole bill. Why? Because your insurance company starts paying a sizeable chunk, hence the name “copay.” 

Here’s how it works: pretend you sprained your ankle playing backyard badminton with a few choice chums. Before you leave the doctor’s office, you’d pay the $20 copay (or whatever your insurance charges) and be on your way. That’s all you owe. 

You may be wondering, “Where do I find the copay my insurance company charges?” That’s an easy one. They should be right on your health insurance card. There, you’ll see different amounts for a regular doctor (“general practitioner”),  a “specialist,” (like an eye doc) or a trip to the ER. You’ll also see copays for different types of prescriptions. 

As a friendly reminder, once you reach your out-of-pocket max, your insurance company covers 100% out-of-pocket costs until the end of the plan year—and the copay goes away.  

Why deductibles?

The main point of insurance is protecting you from pay tons of money due to a catastrophic event. If your insurance company covered every little proverbial hangnail, it would make this larger purpose impossible—that’s where the deductible comes in.

Another reason insurance companies charge a deductible? To give you some skin in the game. Their reasoning goes something like this: knowing you’ll be paying for some of the costs yourself might motivate you to stay on top of your health and save everyone some money in the process.  

Want to learn even more about deductibles? Give these handy articles a try.

Why do insurance companies have deductibles? - Investopedia 

Understanding your insurance deductibles - Insurance Information Institute

Why so many people choose the wrong health plans - New York Times

Cloudy with a Chance of Ideas - Thoughts on Better Brainstorming

If you’re like me, you’ve been asked to “brainstorm” a lot over the course of your career. But, if you’re also like me, you’ve always been a bit confused about how to brainstorm effectively. Recently, my curiosity got the best of me, and I decided to do some research about this powerful and mysterious process. Here’s a little of what I learned. 

Recognize the name Alex F. Osborn? It’s ok, I sure didn’t. Turns out, ol’ Alex is the inventor of brainstorming. (What?!? Someone invented brainstorming?!?). As an ad man in the 1930’s Alex was trying to help his employees come up with more ideas, more quickly. He thought pairing people up to create mental fireworks would do the trick, and as we all know, it did. Brainstorming was born! To help his workers get the most out of these sessions, the newly-minted Father of Brainstorming had two guidelines: defer judgment and go for quantity. 

Defer judgement is a fancy way of saying don’t scrutinize your ideas as you’re coming up with them. There’ll be plenty—and I mean PLENTY—of time for that later. Just let the creativity flow. When you put off judgment, you create a friendly, open environment where people feel comfortable sharing their thoughts, as feeble and incomplete as some of them may be. And when people feel comfortable, they put their guard down, relax and share more. Make an extra effort to welcome contributions, avoid eyerolls and WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN. That signals that every idea—and by extension, group member—is important. 

Go for quantity is pretty self-explanatory: come up with as many ideas as you can! Here’s a helpful way to think about it. Instead of trying to think up with the “best” or “right” idea, try to think up every possible idea. Doing so will push you into new territories that you never would have explored otherwise. You can even challenge yourselves to come up with 200 ideas in an hour (for example) just to stretch the limits and keep things fun. Again, ideas don’t have to be perfect to be shared. Just get them out there. 

A few more ideas from other smart folks...

Follow the “Two Pizza Rule.”

The Two Pizza What? This one comes from Amazon founder Jeff Bezos... you may have heard of him. He says you should never invite more people to a brainstorm than can be reasonably fed by two pizzas, which, adjusting for various appetites, comes to roughly 5-6 individuals. Keeping the group small ensures the session doesn’t get sidetracked and that everyone gets a chance to share ideas… and pizza.   

Prepare for the Storm

Asking the group to do some thinking beforehand can make your brainstorm much more efficient. Team members will already have a grasp of the problem, as well as some ideas to get the ball rolling. It’s like in track. You wouldn’t run a 100-yard dash without limbering up a little bit. The same principle applies here. 

Think Outside the Conference Room

We’ve come to think of a “brainstorm” as a bunch of people sitting around a conference table while one person writes on a whiteboard. But you don’t always have to use this format. Instead, you could “brainstorm” by taping a big piece of paper to the wall in a common area, and inviting everyone to write down ideas as they walk back and forth during the week. Or you could open a Google Doc and give everyone 48 hours to contribute a few ideas. Or you could try “Brain Writing” where everyone writes a couple of ideas down on a piece of paper and then passes it to someone else. That person reads the ideas silently and adds their own thoughts before repeating the process again. Keep an open mind, brainstormer—there really are a lot of ways to come up with ideas. 

Alrighty, lots of good stuff. To sum up…

1. Put down your gavel – give ideas a chance 

2. More is more – ideas, ideas, ideas

3. Allow for prep time – rumination before collaboration

4. Keep it small – let the pizzas be your guide

5. Play with the format – no conference room, no problem

Happy storming.

How to Pick Out the Best Olive OIl - Tips and Tricks from a Mediterranean Master

From warm, homemade bread to soft vanilla ice cream, olive oil can make almost any food more delicious. But with hundreds of brands lining the shelves, how can you select the best variety? 

Giuseppe Taibi is here to help. The award-winning, fourth-generation olive oil producer doesn’t just make the smooth, clear liquid, he practically bleeds it. Recently, he poured out his knowledge on the benefits of olive oil and how to find a primo bottle. 

Q: Why should olive oil be a kitchen staple?  

A: Olive oil is one of the few foods in the world that tastes great and is also super healthy for you. Let me repeat that: How many foods can you name that taste great, make anything you pour them on taste even better and are also extremely healthy for you? 

All your food will taste better—and your friends and family will notice a difference.

Q: What’s the difference between extra virgin and regular olive oil?

A: There’s a big distinction between “extra virgin olive oil” and what’s just “olive oil.” “Olive oil” and other things like “light olive oil” are actually refined oil. At some point, some fruit was involved—but it’s a chemical extraction process, which often involves deodorization and coloring. 

If you really want the good stuff, the kind that has health benefits and actually has taste, then you want to go with “extra virgin.” Because it’s made exclusively through mechanical means and the crushing of the olives, and makes a huge difference.

Q: What about cold-pressed? Is that something that matters? 

A: It’s important that olive oil is cold-pressed, as opposed to coming from a press where the olive paste is worked at a higher temperature. If the paste is heated, more olive oil can be produced—but the quality is lower. The highest quality olive oil is made by producers who prioritize quality over quantity. And cold press is one of the ways you maximize quality.

Q: So what does great olive oil taste like?

A: Great olive oil actually has a taste! And there are hundreds of different varietals. Some are more bitter, some are more fruity, some are more balanced. 

The more bitter, the more the antioxidants. So bitterness is actually a positive attribute—and depending on what you’re eating, it might actually be a great compliment. The other thing is the pungency—the thing that kind of burns the back of your throat. That’s also an expression of the antioxidants, and it’s considered a positive attribute. 

Q: How can you evaluate judge (“assess” perhaps instead of “evaluate”?) an olive oil by its label?

A: A very important distinction is whether the olive oil comes from the same region, as opposed to multiple regions. The picture on the bottle may look like an Italian countryside, but if you look—usually on the back of the label, under the bottle or on the cap—you’ll find that the olive oil comes from olives from Spain, Greece, Tunisia and Morocco. The logistics of this alone are pretty crazy—because olive oil doesn’t have any preservatives. So moving it around is going to cause issues. 

The bottom line is this: The more integrated, and less globalized, the supply chain or production system, the higher quality the olive oil.

Q: Anything else people should look for on the label?

A: You want to find an olive oil that’s made fresh from a recent harvest. There’s only one harvest per year, and unfortunately most producers don’t put that on the front of their label. You don’t want to buy an olive oil from a harvest that’s 3 to 4 years old—because the flavor, for sure, is completely gone. And a lot of the health benefits have gone as well.

From the moment it’s produced and comes out of the press, olive oil doesn’t get any fresher. It only gets a little worse every day because there are no additives. So you want to use the freshest olive oil you can.

Q: What’s the best way to enjoy the different varieties of olive oil?

A: Depending on what food you’re preparing, you want to learn the right pairing. If you’re making a delicate salad or a fresh cheese, you want to use an oil with a delicate profile. If you’re grilling a steak or making some kind of a red sauce, you want something more robust. 

Try different types—maybe two or three—from time to time so you can learn how to do the pairings. It’s fun, you’ll have a lot of great meals, and your heart will be even happier.

When Giuseppe Taibi isn’t creating ultra-premium olive oil for the world to enjoy, he’s working as a tech executive in Boston. Yep, this amazing guy’s got a PhD in artificial intelligence. Watch his two passions collide here.

Bills eyeing Utes as recruiting season heats up

When defensive tackle Keaton Bills isn’t terrorizing opposing offenses, he’s serving up burgers at the Draper, Utah In-N-Out. 

“It’s bomb,” Bills says. “We get like a free meal every time we work. I get hooked up pretty good. Making some money, that’s good.”

All that time behind the counter has given Bills ample opportunity to weigh his college options.

“Obviously being in Utah, Utah and BYU are pretty high up there on my list,” he says. “Out of state, I’m looking at Wisconsin and Oregon State as of right now. So those are my top 4, so I’m just kind of narrowing things down a little bit. Football’s a big deal. Football’s a big priority, but I’m really looking for the education and then location, you know, where it is and and how close my family is.” 

One school that’s close by – and extremely interested – is the University of Utah. 

“The coach that started recruiting me is Morgan Scalley,” Bills said. “He’s a great guy, he’s contacted me, and I understand that I’m the priority. Kind of making me feel like I’m important and that’s a good decision for me to make. That’s a big factor in it as well. 

“(Scalley) talks about the education part of it, that they have one of the better medical programs in the country and that’s what I want to do when I grow up. I don’t know if I want to be a doctor or a P.A., even an athletic trainer, something to do with people and medical stuff. I’m not really too sure yet but that’s something that definitely interests me.” 

Bills is also aware of Utah’s long track record of putting defensive linemen in the NFL.

“You always hear about the d-linemen at Utah,” he says. “The d-linemen at Utah go to the NFL, you know. That obviously stands out in my mind big-time, thinking about the future, thinking about what could happen next. They just talk about the success they always have with their d-linemen, which obviously (draws) you closer to that school.”

The 6-foot-5 inch, 260-pound Bills is a do-everything player for Corner Canyon High School, a brand-new football program that is only in its fourth season. He plays left tackle on offense, d-tackle on defense and helps out on a variety of special teams units. “I very rarely get breaks,” he says.

Since he plays such a big part in his team’s success, Bills hopes to commit before the season. 

“I’m probably going to make my decision right before the season starts for football, just so I’m not worried about anything else,” he says. “So probably right before the season starts I’ll make my decision.”

In the meantime, Bills plans to keep working: in the gym and at his favorite fast-food restaurant. 

“I got to get some more beef and french fries in my stomach,” he says. “Put some more weight on.” 

This is some blue-sky thinking I call "Other Thoughts." Thank you to the lovely and talented Margaret Karles for lending her amazing illustration skills and ideas.  

***By some weird fluke, I was nominated to be the graduation speaker for the Brandcenter class of 2017. It was truly an honor to represent my classmates who I admire, respect and envy so much. Here's the speech.***

Faculty, staff, students and other people I don’t recognize. Thank you for giving me one last chance to be evaluated.

I’m not sure why I was chosen to speak today. I’m thinking the criteria for voting was the person with the smallest muscles or the most rapidly receding hairline. Whatever the reason, I’m humbled to represent the class of 2017. 

When I first came to the Brandcenter, I was like many of you: a married man in my early 30’s with two young children. 

Being a dad at the Brandcenter has given me some unique perspective and experiences (and an ulcer). For example, when my classmates were out partying on the weekends, I was at home, changing diapers, picking up toys and watching movies such as Kung Fu Panda 3. (It’s actually a pretty good show, you should check it out sometime.)

One part of this movie that really stood out to me, was when Po (the panda) is talking to his teacher, the wise Master Shifu, kind of like Fenske, only shorter. Po’s feeling frustrated and like he isn’t measuring up and says, “I’m never going to be like you!” To which Master Shifu shakes his head and smiles and says, “I’m not trying to turn you into me. I’m trying to turn you into you.”

We’ve learned a lot of things at the Brandcenter over the past two years. We’ve learned to become better writers, better strategists, better art directors, better … whatever it is you XD people do. But more than anything else, we’ve learned how to be ourselves. I think it’s interesting that there’s a place at our school called the cocoon because it talks about this transformation we go through. We come in as cute, cuddly caterpillars and leave as bright beautiful, butterflies, ready to take flight. If any you take issue with being called a butterfly, I apologize.

As I was writing this talk and deciding what to say, two words kept coming to mind: oh crap. But two other words also came to mind: thank you.

Thank you first to the unsung heroes of the Brandcenter: the custodians. I can’t imagine the wretched and foul things you find in the building where we spend 24 hours a day. 

Thank you to the staff, another group that does not always get the appreciation and attention they deserve. I could always count on a warm smile from Ashley, a friendly wave from Hawley and an indifferent stare from PJ. Especially when I was asking him if I could please just have one of his paper clips.

Thank you to the faculty, without you we would not be the people we are today. We would be much happier people. Michaelangelo said he carved everything away from the marble that wasn’t David. Thank you for carving away everything that wasn’t Jeff or Jansen or Jessie or Josh or Jason or John. We have a lot of J people in our school.

A lot of our teachers don’t need to be here, they’ve had long and successful careers, but they choose to be with us, to share their knowledge and wisdom. Thank you so much for everything.

Last and most importantly, thank you to my fellow students. You’ve also taught me so much. Hard work, perseverance and a variety of modern slang terms. I just want to say, respek, mad shouts and bless up. I mean that sincerely, I really do. When I first got here, I was a little shy, timid and scared to put myself out there. Thank you for being vulnerable and putting yourself out there and helping me to eventually do the same. 

It’s almost Dan Wieden time, and I know we’re all excited to hear what he has to say. Thank you so much, Dan, for coming all this way to talk with us. I have some resumes and my mom’s here if you need a reference.

But just to wrap up, I want to say one more time that this school is not about our portfolios. It’s not about who we talked to at recruiter session or who we didn’t talk to. It’s not about the jobs we got, or in my case, still haven’t got. Sorry wife. It’s not about the work we’ve done. It’s about the people we’ve become. Thank you very much. 

If you’re like me, you have really skinny ankles, a fear of suckers and all things sticky, and an undying love for sports movies. You know, the ones with the inspiring music, the down-and-out team/player and the euphoric ending.

Today I’d thought I’d give you a rundown of my top-five jock flicks (yes, of course, you’re welcome). If you don’t agree, please send an angry letter to 123 Fake Street to air your grievances.

Here we go…(in reverse order).

#5 Hoosiers

Some people remember Dennis Hopper as the eyepatch-wearing, cigarette-smoking pirate in the 1995 movie Waterworld. But I’ll always think of him as the basketball-obsessed, heartbreakingly-alcoholic dad in Hoosiers.

This all-time classic is a trip back in time to small-town Indiana in 1951. No detail is spared, and everything feels authentic to the time period -- from the shiny yellow uniforms, to the musty old gymnasiums you can almost smell, to the players themselves, who seem to have been cryogenically frozen in the 50’s and thawed out for filming.

It’s got great music (by Jerry Goldsmith, more on him later), great storytelling and, oh yeah, Gene Hackman who delivers what is, in my opinion, the best performance of his career as coach Norman Dale.

#4 Rocky IV

Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone) gets punched in the face approximately 47 times by a muscle-bound Russian boxer named Ivan Drago. And doesn’t die. That’s the premise of Rocky IV, which came out in 1985 and won my heart from a young age.

I’m not sure this movie is for everyone, but for a 14-year-old at a sleepover, it’s as good as it gets. There’s punching, cool cars, punching, a montage of Rocky training in the middle of Siberia while Drago gets pumped full of roids, punching, punching, and finally, punching.

Like I said, as good as it gets.

#3 Moneyball

Conversely, Moneyball is a “sports movie” that even non-sports fans can enjoy. Why? For starters, you’ve got the ultra-hunky (not that I would know) and charismatic Brad Pitt, who is fantastic as Billy Beane, the forward-thinking general manager of the Oakland A’s.

Then, you’ve got the story, which is about a small market, low-budget baseball team (think small business) trying to compete with much wealthier, big-city franchises (think major corporation). And then, you’ve got an amazing screenplay by the master Aaron Sorkin of West Wing fame. (The dude can make anything interesting, yes, even baseball, ye smarty-pants unenlightened.)

If you like sports, you’ll love Moneyball. If you hate sports, you’ll at least find it tolerable.  

#2 Field of Dreams

The runner-up on my list is a movie about dead people coming out of cornfields carrying baseball bats. But instead of wreaking death and destruction on the local community, they just want to play a friendly game of nine-on-nine.

Field of Dreams is the story of Ray Kinsella, an Iowa farmer who starts hearing voices (“If you build it, he will come”) and decides to construct a baseball diamond in the middle of his cornfield, much to the chagrin of his local community, brother-in-law and psychologist.

This 1989 film captures the mysticism and magic of baseball better than any movie I’ve ever seen, with one of the most satisfying endings of all time (have some Kleenex handy). Plus, Kevin Costner and James Earl Jones are … [enter superlative here]. 

#1 Rudy

If you’re looking for the ultimate underdog story, that’s actually good and not painfully sappy, look no further than Rudy, a 1993 film about a Notre Dame football player whose playing career lasted all of two plays and 27 seconds. 

Of course, the movie isn’t just about those two plays (c’mon that would be WAY too short and everyone would ask for a refund). It’s about all the hard work and never-giving-up that came before.

Two things stand out to me about this movie. #1 is the incredible soundtrack by Jerry Goldsmith. “Tryouts”, one of the main songs, was used as the official theme of John McCain’s presidential campaign and has been featured in 12 trailers, including Seabiscuit and Good Will Hunting. If you’re ever feeling down in the dumps, give it a listen. See if it doesn’t put some pep in your step.  

#2 is the acting. That starts with Sean Astin who oozes heart and underdog-iness and is absolutely perfect as the good-natured yet fiercely determined lead character. There are also great performances by John Favreau as Rudy’s tutor and eventual friend; Ned Beatty as Rudy’s dad who doubts his son and his crazy dreams; and Charles S. Dutton, a former ND player turned stadium groundskeeper who mentors the undersized defensive end. (Bonus: see if you can spot a much younger and slimmer Vince Vaughn. It took me years to recognize him.) 

Rudy has everything you want in a sports movie, or any other movie for that matter. A great story, awesome acting, wonderful music and lots of heart. All of which makes it hard to beat. 

Honorable mentions:

Hoop Dreams

The Pride of the Yankees

Major League 2

Angels in the Outfield

Cool Runnings

The Natural

Sometimes people ask me, "where do your ideas come from?" I just smile and shake my head and say, "From my brain, ya silly." Then after I'm done being such a smart-alecky jerk, I take a deep breath, put on my serious face and respond, "It's a little something I like to call ... (dramatic pause followed by an equally dramatic whisper) ... PROCESS.

My process has changed a bunch in my time at the Brandcenter -- you could say it's been a bit of a...you know...process. When I first got to school, I would brainstorm for a couple of hours, lock onto an idea I liked, and then spend the rest of my time on that one thought. Then, in our second semester, our freaking awesome professor Mark Fenske taught us the principle of QUANTITY, i.e. that the "process" of thinking up as many ideas as you can, inevitably leads to QUALITY.   

So -- this is how I do ma thang.

First, I sit down with a big sheet of easel paper (see below) and write everything that comes to my mind regarding the product or service I'm focusing on. I try not to judge the ideas, just let them come, total firehose, stream-of-consciousness style. 

These big ol' legal pads work well too.

Also: occasionally it's nice to mind-dump on a computer. I like minimizing the document window so I can't even see what I'm writing, then turning on some music and just typing like a crazy person. It's fun and liberating and often hilarious to look back at what I've written. Which leads me to ...

Editing!!! This is the long, tedious and occasionally euphoric "process" of picking through the wreckage of page after page of what sometimes seems like pure nonsense -- searching for gold. I'll then make a long list of anything I think is halfway decent, headlines, paragraphs, scripts, and share them with my A.D. buddy bud.  

To sum up, this is where my ideas come from! Hours and hours of thinking, writing, editing and sobbing that hopefully leads to something I'm halfway proud of. 

Postscript: I should add that creative thinking by definition doesn't fit into a box or flow out of a formula. More often than not, inspiration comes out of nowhere. But process still plays a part. As David Ogilvy once said, "Big ideas come from the unconscious. This is true in art, in science, and in advertising. But your unconscious has to be well informed, or your idea will be irrelevant. Stuff your conscious mind with information, then unhook your rational thought process."

I didn't get much sleep during my time at the Brandcenter. So when I was completely exhausted and delirious, I wrote love notes...to my bed.

It's times like these in the still hours of the morning, that I find myself lost in thought. Awake, but dreaming. Dreaming ... about ... you (only fitting, yes?). You are my soft and strong companion in the night. My everlasting crush. My heart. My bae. My bed. I love you. 

I know we haven't seen much of each other lately, and that's on me. I feel like I'm being pulled in a million different directions, and not one of them is down. Down into the warm, soft embrace of you. It is only when we are alone in the dark that I feel completely at peace. Can't wait to see you tonight.

I can't imagine life before, or without, you. Thank you for nine wonderful years together (with a me-sized indentation to prove it). You are my rock (in a manner of speaking), that always gives me a soft place to land. There's no one I'd rather spend 1/3rd of my life with. 

Pretty much everything you need to know about me.

This is the best letter to Santa from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer that I have ever written. No foolin'. 

Dear Santa,

As part of my divorce settlement with Clarice (no prenup sadly), she gets 50% of my trademarked name. She will take "Rudolph the R," and I will heretofore be known as "Ed Nosed Reindeer."

Sorry for any confusion.

A couple of years ago, Apple came out with a campaign showing all the amazing pictures people were taking on the new iPhone 6. At that time, I was still toting around the comparatively prehistoric 4s, which was not getting me any love from the cool dudes and dudettes I was trying to impress. 

One day as I was staring at my lame-o excuse for a phone, I thought to myself, self, wouldn't it be funny to do a spoof called Shot on iPhone 4s? And my self agreed that, yes, that was a pretty good idea. 

* * * The sign on this parking garage promises a lot. * * *

* * * Who are these sick people? * * *

* * * There is no lost-and-found for moments * * *

* * * Who are these sick people #2 * * *

* * * What. Happened. * * *

* * * Those special times * * *

* * * Postscript * * *

Last Christmas, just as I was getting excited about my fun new project, my wife surprised me with the just-released 7. (Aaaggghhh, c'mon!!! How could you??!!) So...I sold out. Ok? I'm sorry. I have no soul. 

iPhone 4s, shot on iPhone 7. Rest in peace.